The reality of queer-friendly BDSM spaces in Gipuzkoa and the Basque Country is a bit dry
When I started having a sort of platonic relationship with one of my partners, I started gaining interest in her own on terms of gaining interest in BDSM, especially as a sub. She invited me over to BDSM group meetups at a San Sebastian bar every final Wednesday of every month, where I could encounter a bunch of lovely people related to the same interest. The issue, however, is something that has been shared in discourse among the group, she and myself especially, and are the following:
BDSM events or activity is very limited in Guipuzcoa or the Basque Country, moreso Gipuzkoa especially.
BDSM activity in the Basque Country is heterocentric most of the time
I say this because she had similarly issues with the BDSM scene here in the Basque territory; normally it involves toxic dynamics centered in not just heteronormative standards of sexuality, with white cisgender men being at the center, but also regarding a permeating sense of an ableist aura inundating the scene, and especially as well a lack of consensual care. More often, these BDSM activities here are plagued with these toxic dynamics and there is a serious lack of queer-friendly safe spaces in BDSM.
Aside of the drama people like Mimi are involved in inside the Basque BDSM scene, these toxic dynamics also contaminate the queer-leaded BDSM spaces here, aside of the fact that, in general, there are not many BDSM spaces here in Guipuzcoa especially. Not only that, the BDSM scene in the Basque Country lacks accessibility in the sense that, for instance, if you are from Gipuzkoa, and you wanted to partake in a BDSM session, the area with more activity in general is going to Bilbao, Biscay, or anywhere similar, which means at least 2 hours of travelling cross-province. For people who cannot risk it losing public transit late at night from Gipuzkoa to Biscay, this crippled their ability to experience BDSM activities, especially more queer-friendly ones.
In my experience too, the sexual scene in Gipuzkoa doesn’t help; if you’re familiar with being on the San Sebastian Grindr for a while, nearly all of the people there are gross, white old men looking for a quickie. Rarely you’d see queer people in San Sebastian and its surroundings interested in a sex positive experience, even BDSM in general, because they’re so invisibilized entirely by the gigantic mass of white male old perverts that resemble that old man pedophile Herbert the Pervert from Family Guy. It’s kinda well said too that in San Sebastian anything related to kink or sex is generally taboo, because most of the city and its surroundings don’t generally want to be associated with anything that strays further from the heteropatriarchal idea of the beautiful Frenchie town where you’re just there to take a coffee at a terrace.
Now, really, what does this mean for us?
Firstly, we need more queer transfeminist BDSM safe spaces in the Basque Country, especially in Gipuzkoa. I think that heavily invisibilizing the BDSM queer activity in there means the same as invisibilizing the queer activity in general. Still, it might mean organizing a tiny bit. Even then, the more important thing is to think of BDSM, sex positive and kink dynamics that actually create real safe spaces for queer, neurodivergent people and such, knowing both I and Mimi have autism as well, I think thinking of the neurodivergent needs in BDSM might help create better safe spaces in BDSM here locally. It requires a lot of thinking on our part, especially to avoid the related drama.
Secondly, we need to stop stigmatizing kink and BDSM here in the Basque Country, and talk about kink in a way that doesn’t invoke stigma or stereotypes. We know it’s kinda complicated to just deroot ourselves from the deeply rooted misogynistic, queerphobic or ableist ideas surrounding the discourse of kink, but talking about the subject in safety and properly educating about it with the best intentions will open up more interest in a healthy, consensual practice of kink and BDSM here in the Basque territory.
Finally, we need to prioritize acts of consent and aftercare in BDSM practices that are often denied by the heterocentric dynamics of BDSM here. We must take in consideration that BDSM is not just about sexual acts, or humiliation or power dynamics; it is a healing, sensory experience that requires care and a special level of affection between all the parties involved.
