Everyone here, at least, most of you, already knows I had a past in the alt-right from which I left behind, for a good plethora of reasons, but especially not only because I didn’t end up aligning ideologically with that toxic ooze pit of an ideology, but also because… the whole experience hurt me inside; it was traumatic, to say the least. And I think that, in spirit of retrospection and clarification to anyone reading this, I should clarify how traumatic this experience was, of me being in the right wing before I escaped and even came out as trans. Should be a nice exercise of introspection to know what those 4 years really meant to me in terms of the pain and distress they caused me deep down.

Before the alt-right years, though, I was a bit edgy but not outright fascist; I had a phase where I was certainly openly queer, although with a spare use of ignorant slurs and all; this was one of my weaknesses when I was in the alt-right, for which my right-wing peers back then were able to use against me to further manipulate me or outright abuse me, alongside my autism, which was used especially to coerce me into things I’d learn eventually to not fall for later. I know I’m not obviously a moron, I clearly shown off that, despite my lackings, I am generally a smart person, according to my real life peers, like my psychologist would put it, for instance. It’s just, again, that I have some things that I’m not perfect at, like my lack of autonomy back then, or the propensity to do horrible things when under social pressure, which the far right people seemingly have exploited for their benefit. It’s not really that I’m evading responsibility for my own actions; I’ve done some horrible things online aside of that under a troll persona, but I think as well these people should be held accountable for the sort of stuff they’ve somehow coerced me to do; they treated me like their personal clown, and these leopards ate my face, and made me literally and figuratively nearly eat shit for it.

In my years that I’ve been in the right wing, there was this sensation that the whole world was clearly against you; that growing sense of paranoia, fear, distress, and the growing sense that you’re in danger. I had experiences at night where I though at my sleep that the noises outside where people spying on me or about to hurt me, and even then, my own home felt unsafe. Increasingly so, to a point where my worst fears were realized once I was arrested at my own house when I was at work, pre-COVID times. I had the sense even, ever since I had that incident with MaximilianMus back then, that I started growing some “spider senses” that were starting to tingle, more and more so over the course of the last years I was an outright fascist. And especially considering, this was not the person I was meant to be, moreso considering I later came out as a trans woman around 2020-2021 or so after I escaped the alt-right.

I’m not going to lie, these are the consequences of my own actions back then, and I gotta put that sort of shit in between bread slices, make a metaphorical shit sandwich, eat it up and digest it however I can. I own up to the consequences of my own actions and I know I’m not regaining the trust of all people on the planet that I’ve hurt; but considering a lot of my past far right peers would sort of weaponize that past of mine in a way that hurts my livelihood, you need to consider these people are not in your best interest; they’re the leopards eating your face, they’re only there to make you miserable as long as you don’t meet their criteria of what is their ideal person, and clearly, my neurodivergence and my propensity to queerness and the LGBT community in general, has been sort of weaponized by them to turn me into their personal jester of sorts, into what they KiwiFarmers would call a “lolcow” of sorts, used only half as a propaganda piece and the other half as a sick, twisted entertainment for only their benefit.

What can I tell you about this? Consider this then as a lesson I’ve learnt and as a lesson you’ll also learn to not trust the right wing in anything related to your wellbeing as a person. Notably, a lot of right wing movements will coerce parts of the neurodivergent, LGBT and other dissident groups for their own ends, but when they don’t need those anymore, they’ll cast all those dissident groups into the flames. That’s what’s happened to me, and will happen to you as soon as you’re joining them and then not needed by them. A gazelle collaborating with the leopards will get eaten by the leopards no matter what. And if this 4-year experience being in the far right did hurt me, so it will hurt you.

Be safe. Be smart. Fuck these nazis.