Frankly honest, I’m not into the world of Bible games like other content creators are. This world of Christian games is pretty much filled to the brim with all sorts of comedy gold, however. And sometimes, games like Jesus in the Matrix are the sort of thing that will make you worryingly cackle.

I don’t have any idea about the creators of this game, nor their intentions, but all I know is that they’re a bunch of Christian grifters selling you Jesus cards and making a Second Life style MMO thing? No idea. A bunch of weirdos just making Bible games. Needless to say, though, Jesus in the Matrix, as a game, is an amalgamation of Unity-bought store assets (proper asset flip!) and biblical nonsense.

The whole ordeal of the game is to collect a bunch of Jesus cards in order to “complete” the game. I say “complete” because last time I played in my now defunct YouTube, I didn’t manage to finish the game with all the crashes and such, because let’s face it: this game crashes a lot. It runs like a potato. And if your game crashes, you lost all your progress. In any case, you collect these cards by answering a bunch of Bible Quiz questions. If you guessed it right, you unlock the card to “lead the non-believers to Heaven”, if you don’t, you spawn at the start of the game again.

And for a Bible Quiz game, I don’t have any idea why you do have to explore this world, because this could have been better by just summing up the game as a regular Bible Quiz game. Let’s be honest: there’s a lot of tomfuckery of pitfalls in this game with all the nonsense plastered in Unity here, there’s a hole, which is supposed to be Hell, where a demon is whipping you constantly but does nothing; there’s a giant macro-sized crucified Jesus in the middle, although you can clip through it like you were crossing a wall of jell-o; there’s various spots where weird videos play where you go like if you took a bad LSD trip in the Notre Dame Cathedral… all these sorts of things are mashed up into the playground like a child lacking of any sort of imagination.

And it just doesn’t end there! You can run as far as you can out of bounds of the level, which is nice if you want to finally stop tormenting yourself with this piece of garbage, there is platforming with really out of place platforms all over the place… even then you can walk upwards through a slope so steep that looks like if you were horseclimbing in Skyrim.

This game is fucking weird, man, where’s my bong?