Remember when the 2008 financial crisis happened? From there we got things like Bitcoin, which are supposed to fight off the speculation of the stock market and the fiat currencies, presumably… Then afterwards we got Ethereum following the steps of Bitcoin’s supposed trajectory, and so on and so forth. Well, turns out, they all failed their promises, and are now speculative cryptocurrencies which are very prone to scams and are not viable to be used in regular commerce.

That’s where NFTs come in.

Now, I do not need to explain what a fucking NFT is. I’m not one of those NFT evangelists trying to explain what a fucking goddamn NFT is, but I fucking hate them. If you wanted the perfect embodiment of hypercapitalism into a digital snake oil salesman smoke vendor shit, now you got NFTs, and they’re apparently here to stay… or fail miserably.

Now this video by Folding Ideas will give you an extensive primer into the main reasons why I hate NFTs:

But it’s not just that, the other problems with NFTs that I have is that they’re mainly inhabited by three kinds of people: morons, assholes and greater assholes.

The morons

It’s no surprise NFTs are one of those Bigger Fool type scams like cryptocurrencies are. You’re gonna have to deal with a lot of people there who suffer from scam victim’s remorse from buying the most expensive monkey jpeg just so he can have it stolen from his hexagonal Twitter profile picture. Trust me, if they gave me a dollar for every stupid moron who falls for this shit thinking they’re gonna become the next Elon Musk with this crap, I’d be fucking Bobby Kotick incarnate.

For instance, there’s the influx of NFT evangelists claiming they can implement NFTs into videogames and defending such idea thinking the monkey jpegs themselves are gonna be in every single game imaginable as their avatars. Imagine one of these fucking ugly chimps in a game like Halo, fragging you with a pulse rifle. Well, sounds ridiculous, isn’t it? That’s because it’s impossible.

Whenever you also criticize NFTs, cryptocurrencies’ speculative nature or Daddy Elon himself, you’re gonna have a flock of these brainless gorms rushing and sealioning you like their fucking life depended on it. No, seriously, look at ANY social media where anyone criticizes NFTs. Tons and tons of reply cryptobros defending Lord Musk like he was their sugar daddy. Not to mention they got the predictable arguments of a mentally challenged redditor.

The assholes

Now, when I heard your boys Stonetoss and Sam Hyde were making NFT shit, I knew it confirmed my suspicions: yes, NFTs attract the worst kind of people; nazis, ancaps, scammers… all sorts of douchebaggery that will make Richard Spencer look like a Spice Girl. Not to mention, a) Stonetoss is a fucking nazi prick and b) Sam Hyde is a fucking turbomoron on wheels. This is the sort of people who will self-buy their NFTs just to fool you into buying them to think they have such high value and you can make great returns, while you’re the fucking sucker for falling for it because nearly no one has the budget to buy off your stupid Sam Hyde and Idubbbz violent rampage jpeg.

The bigger assholes

Well, whooptydoo! Guess what? Now we got even AAA game companies putting their stakes on NFTs too! That’s right, if you thought this business was already destroying the goddamn planet and destroying the economy to shreds, think what fuckers like EA, Take-Two, Ubisoft and Square Enix could do when they get their hands on this murky swamp. Yummy! Tastes like money laundering!

You name it: Ubisoft Quartz or whatever Square Enix is angrily typing formally in a PR stunt, these are the kinds of things AAA companies want. For what? Metaverse bullshit. For simpleton terms: they want to treat people like cattle for profit in a Second Life style virtual world parallel with our real world designed to be a constant advertising commercial. In other words: Hell.

And since Microsoft planned to buy off Activision-Blizzard not to wipe out all the abusers behind Kotick, but to start their own metaverse shit, Microsoft and Acti-Blizz might also want to get into the swampy business of NFTs soon enough. You just wait. Don’t tell me I didn’t warn you, fucker, I know you’re thinking none of my predictions come true, but wait and see because this one might be real.

Fuck NFTs with a cactus stick, honestly.